Let it all out here

I know scripting

@Kai:

O_O Really?

And Kai takes center feild ^_^

And No suicide! you get cuter everyday my beautiful day my sister, dont wanna see ya on the ground xD

Suicide doesnt solve everything, a game maybe gone but be thankful it aint you.

I love you sister, and i'd give up my 250 Gigabyte external hardrive for that xD

Thanks all for cheering me up. Yeah, I know I should have bought a new one back at June but my mom says that I should keep on using it til its completely dead and so I did.

Because back at June, I already decided to let my friend format the hard disk to prepare to migrate to that new computer and then I found out it was something that gone loose and nothing broken. So I was forced to keep using that old computer.

But now, yeah I think I should get a new one but how when my mom withdrawed all my allowance and nothing left in the account. She even promised to pay me back at some point but I think I doubt she would, or at least just a bit of it.

Well, anyway my desktop still usable though actually, just that I got a little hope to revive it with troubleshooting otherwise I have to get that new video card as suggested by a friend.(I don't know how much it cost average wordlwide).

Hm.. 50-200$ you might wanna do odd job's

And its best to tell the truth with your parents, my friend =(

That's quite...expensive O_O Maybe I better off with a new computer.

Well, I wanted to tell the truth especially in this situation in which I can't tell a lie regardless of what condition. Since the desktop is pretty much there, if they see that I didn't use it for quite a long time they will eventually suspect about it, in turn I have to tell the truth. But not now though since my parents are having some financial problem. If I gave them burden, I only gave more to myself.

And Love: It aint your fault. Now cheer up or i'll Kiss ya xD

@Kinnison
It would definitely be better to get a new computer than to fix it if the repair fees are expensive...But right now the economy doesn't seem so well...the electronic industries are having some crisis and an estimated 100,000 people might be losing their jobs and all....It might not be a good time to ask for a new one. Maybe you could try to take up a part-time job like teaching tuition or being a sales person to earn extra pocket money for the at least the repair fees ...An average desktop costs about RM 2000 depending on what brand, features and etc...My desktop (ACER) was near to RM 3000, my laptop was RM 3,800 (FUJITSU)...Both are paid through installments and takes about a couple or so years to pay up. Try to find out what the cost for repairs and getting a new computer would be, compare them and see whichever one of the two is more affordable for you at this point. I only got a new desktop around July when I could no longer stand the mishaps my old one had and there was a PC fair....My old desktop had been in "dying" state for a long time...I had it with me for almost 9 years.

Yeah, its better to get a new one since this one is literally not owned by me, it was given to me. The last owner, seemed to have used it for like three years.

Better still, just get a new one. Of course I need to replaced the monitor as well, nobody fancy a dishwasher shaped monior anymore since it can also caught cobwebs inside the components. O_O

I was thinking to myself on whether to post a rant here but since there's no one to chat with at the moment and I'm feeling lonely and I might explode if I don't say this, might as well.

Some of this is explained in my Facebook note and there are a few who do know about the situation and feelings that I'm going through. I want to say that I'm ok, that I'm completely recovered from things but in a way, I'm not. Unfortunately, generally speaking (of course), idiotic people keep causing trouble. Like in my last rant, I brought up the whole mess with bringing a bully back. There's not much else to say with that.

There was something in which I felt like it wasn't right for someone to take another person's ideas. I learned in school that it isn't ok to steal someone else's work, ideas. So because of the way I was brought up to be ethical, I felt it my duty to report it, which I did last week. I have been anxiously waiting for a message back about the matter but haven't gotten anything. I assume that this is due to the holidays and people having to catch up on things but I just want to know either way if anything will be done. I would hate for this kind of behavior not to go unpunished.

Then there was the incident with my RP posting yesterday (and I told Love about that already). This will explain the words in my siggie. Yes, they sound rude at first glance and I really didn't mean to be but it's just that I'm going through a lot of emotions, up to the point where I want to cry but the tears aren't coming out for some reason. Anyway, I really wanted to be left alone. I know some people would say that it's not healthy but very few people know that SFG is the only forum I visit regularly nowadays. This is mostly due to time but other places have been idiotic (and another place that I was trying to come back to more but now am not sure-will explain in a little bit) and full of bullies who don't get punished whatsoever or even get rewarded. Anyway, in addition to my admin duties, I come here for RP posting and I usually take the time and care to post so honestly, I don't want to be disturbed when I post. So when I did get disturbed yesterday which resulted in my original post lost, I was almost to the verge of tears and I don't want that to happen again. Thus, the words in my siggie.

Then today, I was having a better day generally but then I came to another forum. (This is the one I've been trying to come back to more.) Now I made another account there because I was attacked under my old name. However, I still liked going there so I decided to just make a new account and try to keep more low key. So today, I make this post and give an opinion and this older member "outed" me which was completely inappropriate. She was preaching how she didn't want to cause trouble and yet here she was, causing trouble. The only thing I could do was ignore her post, try to bury it so that it no longer appeared on the first page at least, and then I sent an email to the moderators to have that post deleted. I don't want my identity revealed and for this member to do that was completely rude and offensive. I'm hoping that the moderators will delete her post because I want to protect my identity but they'll probably say that she didn't break any terms of service so they won't but it's not right. And you know, I checked under the terms of service and it says that deliberately rude, offensive comments aren't allowed and yet people are making such comments and nothing is getting done to take care of them.

I know that this isn't a good start to the new year but man, I just feel like crying. I want to believe that good people in this world can win and the bad people get punished but time and again, I see the bad people win and the good people hurt. This is part of the reason that I honestly don't believe in a higher power. I don't think a higher power would allow so much bad to happen (and no, I don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason because there are some things that are very difficult to explain).

Man, I have a headache now. At least I got all of that out.

P.S. There's been some work and family stuff that has been bothering me as well so it's a lot of things that are going on at the moment.

Posting another rant so I apologize for the double ranting. (But I'm not sure if this is a rant since it's more like I feel like crying.)

Anyway, here's what happened. This does have to do with the other thread I posted here yesterday. Now I don't have problems if people have personal issues with me or whatnot since I don't like everybody in the world, either. lol But I heard today from confidential sources that this person who had bothered me some months back has again brought my name up (although he/she doesn't have the courage to email me about this, which, in all honesty, a simple email could have cleared this up).

Apparently, this person is making false allegations against me. Now I won't give details on who or what the allegations are exactly because they would really shock people and this is not the place for that. However, I find it very hurtful that this person would even accuse me of being this person when I'm not. Now since I was poked about this by a friend, I asked for a link so that I could check this out myself. Now I could see why this person would think that this other person (I'll call her Sarah not to confuse things lol) was me but it wasn't. First off, that style of writing isn't me. I tend to be a stickler when it comes to using proper English grammar and spelling. Second, I had stayed away from the place where I'm accused of for quite some time now. I do admit that I go on there to check some stuff out every once in a while but I don't post or anything like that. My profile will show when's the last time I posted.

Now I don't understand why this person refuses to leave me alone and instead feels the need to trash talk me behind my back. I mean, why couldn't he/she have just emailed me (they still have my email address) and just asked if this person was me and why they thought that was the case? Now as I said, I did take a look at that thread and I could see from a certain point of view why he/she thought that Sarah was me but I can assure everyone that it's not me. This person does have similar views that I might have but I don't think that's a crime to have a similar way of thinking. I mean, is it? If it is a crime, then a lot of people would be arrested, I would think. lol And last time I checked, we live in a free society where we are allowed to say what we think without fear of persecution or retaliation and unfortunately, this person has gone to lengths to retaliate against me because of bad blood in the past.

Does anyone have any advice out there to help me because I really could use some?

I wish i knew how to help, all i can tell you is to just keep faith that things happen for a reason, weather it be make us stronger or give us pain to push us forward. we all have something we are meant to do, we all have greatness, its weather we embrace it that makes it come true.

I also have a problem as well...

as some know ive been stressing alot latley because of everything thats been happening to me, its gotten so hard for me i cant even smile anymore. ive felt like crying for so long and it hurts when i cant cry. all the truama's from my childhood start coming back and now im slowly losing everything.........Freinds, family, even myself. i have no outlet of my rage except my music and now thats gone too, i have no guitar, my mom is stressing me, my school wants to kick me out even though im trying my best with my grades, i dont know what to do anymore.......i have no where else to turn......i feel unworthy of anyone now and i feel so alone, even when people tell me they are here for me i still feel alone, when i need people the most they're never here. its gotten to a pont to where i cant even call for help to anyone. and at times ive wanted to die and no one cares and people keep saying they know how i feel and it makes me mad because no one knows how i feel, know one knows hoe F***ed up i am inside.

I really could use some help too. (Having a similar problem with phoenixgirl since I was there to help her battle the idiots)

Did I just faced a new dark entity or what?
This person I met in another forum is so freaking persistent that it (It's actually a person but its personality is such a beast) keeps making fun of me. It sucks, especially for an accomplice of some idiot beings.

Man, I can't believe they use dirty tricks like that, calling accomplices to back them up. I wish they all drop dead. (Really had that mean thought right now)

@Phoenixgirl
I wished I could help you with what you are facing but I don't konw the details but at the same time I don't want to add your worries by having you tell me and later worry that things could become more complicated simply by telling another person about the thing is. As for the free society thing, it is not always "free" as many of us think or claim it is. Though we live and believe in freedom of speech, there are certain unspoken
taboos and limitations in within and outside of our own society. When people start to talk about sensitive issues openly, there are some people who would be ticked off and everyone starts pointing fingers, throwing threats and one of the worst case senario happens when people are falsely accused, arrested and so on. Then we ask ourselves, does freedom of speech a reality or just a mere illusion that we dreamed of?

Although we are bound to the many rules and regulation leaders of the societies and societies themselves had made, if you believe in what you think is true and right, you'll need to be strong and brave to face the challenges that those hyennas out there would be throwing at you. Though we may face failure and despair along the way, little may we know for what seemed to be little, insignificant efforts that we exert could someday bring change. Change takes time. As a Chinese saying says that changing a person is harder than changing a great mountain. Idiots will be idiots if they never want to change how they see the world.

In this world there is good and there bad people, but it is through all these conflicts and trials that would test friendships and tell you who are the ones who are true to you and who are the ones are the fake ones who would give you away to face doom itself. As heart wrenching these situations are, as you marched forward, take them as a challenge that would help you grow stronger in what you believed and fought for. After all these talking, I'm not sure if I even actually given you any advice or helped that are of any use to you.

@Kai
I cannot say anything about what is going on for your life as I know not of what had happened or what is happening. As for improving your school grades, you could try to get someone like a tutor to guide you on what to study, if you know of any seniors in your school or your own classmate who can help. Or you could try getting some friends together to do a study group where you discuss on studies and try to solve homework with each other. with your work maybe try homework help at Yahoo Answers. Though some of us here have graduated from high school and are either in our tertiary education level or working like Phoenixgirl, we could probably still help you with subjects like Mathematics, Science and English. But the problem would be for subjects like History, Geography and others that are different because we are from different countries and have different syllabus. Though I can't help you in the other areas, I would like to try to help you with at least your studies as it is something I understand as I am a student and a tutor at the same time that I see the difficulties in studies. I had gone to a horrible time with certain subjects but I was relieved that I finally made it through at the end with help of tutoring classes and help from my friends.

@Kai:

Elie's right. We could help you out with school stuff if you'd like. Maybe we should create a new forum area for that.

I know that you are in the US and this isn't something that many people know but I grew up in the US as well so I do know a lot about US history as well as some European history.

So we're all here to help.

@Kinn:

I noticed what you were talking about and I saw the idiot return. Anyway, you can poke me about it since I'm taking steps to take care of this now.

thanks you guys, but idt it would help, i might as well accept my fate and just go find another school where ill either get bullied in or go to the gay school where gay guys will hit on me -_-;

*sighs* I need some cheering up here.

Ok, so for most people, I do look ok. I smile, laugh, make jokes, etc and I look perfectly fine but inside me, I feel something is wrong. One day I would be laughing, another I would be crying and not in the mood to do anything- including smiling.

For the most part, I feel it's because of my mother's mysterious affair. It just...troubles me quite a lot and more, I still am doubtful about it despite what I have seen. Perhaps part of me doesn't really believe that my mother would do such a thing. I mean, when I talk to her and she talks to me, I feel normal. But then when I see her talking to men day and night, I feel sad. Honestly, she tells me about the men she talks to but my father doesn't know and many times she would tell me to hide it from him.

Another part of is perhaps sad because of my father's illness in his leg. He hasn't been in his best health for more than two months now and it makes me feel really upset. I wish I could get him to be better but I feel completely helpless. I do my best to help and all but...I wish I could do something more.

As much as it all upsets me, though, I feel sometimes that something else causes my sadness but I don't know what or why. I laugh normally and I do my activities as well but I have not been myself.

Please help anybody and sorry for the trouble of reading this. *sighs*

Awww, Love. Let me give you a hug first.

I don't really know what to say although I can certainly understand feeling up and down. I'm like that as well but I try to hide it. Have you thought about perhaps seeing a counselor to talk about things? I guess I'm saying that there are times that we need to talk to someone about what's bothering us and if it can't be our parents, then it can be a professional who might be able to give some advice from a third person point of view.

There isn't really anything you can do regarding your dad. If he is getting regular doctor checkups and all, that's all that can be done. With your mom, that's a really complicated situation. I might suggest talking to her about the men that she's seeing. Not get upset about it but perhaps let her know that it does bother you over what she's doing. Now she might say that it's none of your business or whatnot but if I were her, I'd put my family before anything else going on.

I hope that things will be ok for you, Love, and know that we're always here for you no matter what.

Aww, nee-chan D= -hugs-
I understand how that feels, I often hide my feelings away too... but Phoenix is right,sometimes it helps to have someone you can talk to about things. It can help you feel better for a little while, even if only slightly, and they could elp to give some advice...

I hope that your dad will be ok, but as said there isn't much that can be done except for him to go the doctors regularly for checkups.

As for your mum...you should talk to her about how things make you feel, and if possibly, try to persude her to stop. I know it may be difficult, but if you can persuade her... Well, lets just say my dad's done the same thing to my mum (though it was someone at work with him..).. and even though they're still together, things are not going well =( You need to tell her that if she continues and gets caught by your dad, things are bound for disaster... Tell her how you feel about it, and say to her, think; if she's telling you to keep it quiet from him, should she be doing it?

=s I hope I've helped in some way Love. And I hope things will improve for you. -hugs again-

Thanks a lot for the advice, everyone. I am feeling a bit better now since I bought a new MP3 earlier for me today. lol

I appreciate all the hugs and help, guys. But regarding my mum, there is not really anything I can speak of to her. I actually tried telling her indirectly that I am not glad of what she is doing at all but she never listened. She always keeps saying 'If you opened your mouth...' or something like that and it just scares me off. I am not sure I can speak to her at all.

And I suppose that regarding my dad, all I can do is pray for him and hope he will be ok. Rather than that, I cannot think of anything else. *sighs*

Thanks again, everyone.

.....Why....why does everyone try to force this darkness out of me....no matter how much i try to kill it.....it comes back......why do they want to see this hatred inside of me....why do they want me to suffer....WHY DO THEY WANT TO SEE WHAT MONSTER LIES DEEP INSIDE ME!!!! THATS DORMENT INSIDE MY BROKEN HEART!!Why........Why....Why.....Im afraid of losing myself to this thing inside me...i dont want him to take over again...

O_O Is someone harassing you, Kai? Man, I know what that's like and it's not fun dealing with crazy people.

O_O I hope you will be ok, Kai. I understand how can that feeling be. Just fight it off and don't give up, ok? ^^

Sorry i havent been on, alot's been going on........I almost lost myself to the dark me, but just as i was about to black out....my roller blades feel from my shelf mysteriously, so i put them on and left my house for 2 hours....i missed the feeling of skating and how it had made me feel...almost like i had wings.... so ill be fine now...thank you guys for caring so much