Why Did I Want to Kill Her
by Miss Nile
There I was, waiting. He was coming any moment then. I kept on waiting in that cave, a southern one in the forests outside Lessire. I had poisoned her, and he was coming to save her.
Yes, you probably know me by now. I am that devil who was sacrificed by her sister just to save her soul. I am that devil who has just poisoned that sister in order to take my revenge, and did I not deserve that revenge?
I did not know what to think exactly as I waited there for her husband who had come to take the cure, or rather fight for it. And why did I tell him that there was a cure? Why did I even make a cure? I did not know. Perhaps because part of me knew I would feel guilty later or perhaps because despite my strong nature, my heart was too kind to kill anybody. Oh and didn’t my heart just die?
But I knew one thing. I had done something that I couldn’t back off from. I had poisoned her, and there was no way I was going to let her live more than that. You might call me mean, heartless or merciless. I did not feel completely satisfied about it, but I wasn’t that hard on her. She had let me suffer for ten whole years, yet I was only letting her suffer a few minutes before her spirit is raised up once and for all. Death is far more merciful than what I have lived through.
Yes, I’ve had friends. Yes, I’ve felt passion and found a boyfriend who loved me and cared for me. But I was away from home. I became a slave and was tortured every day and night by the hands of a merciless man. I slept many nights in the cold, weary and tired. All that time when she was in our home, having a peaceful and a perfect life. I’ve lost the friends I’ve cared for and the boyfriend I had…I did not love him.
All those thoughts went through my head for just a few minutes, because her husband soon arrived. His name was Alexander Carnahan, and from the research I had on both of him and his wife, he was a rich noble although not from Lessire. And they called him Alex for short.
“I’m here now. Now give me the cure to save Rosalind.”
I looked towards him with that sinister smile I’ve learned through time to have, especially through the last three years; the most horrible three years of my life at all. Through them, I’ve lived through what I hadn’t seen when I thought I suffered the most. They’ve built in me that temporary merciless heart, and I say temporary because I knew I wasn’t a bad person by nature.
“You came for her, just like expected. You really think you are going to take it without a fight?”
And what kind of a cure it was. The cure was simply, a few locks of my own hair. At first I thought it ridiculous, considering how Rosalind and I were twin sisters. But I did know afterwards that because I was a devil, when she was a human, our blood and characteristics completely differed despite being twins.
“I don’t get why you would do this. I love my Rosalind with all of my heart. Do you think that killing her would make you happy? You’d feel all alone inside. I don’t know what I would have done if I had been in your position but I know this. I would have sacrificed myself if it meant saving her.”
It was beautiful how love was, making you ready to sacrifice yourself for your beloved; I had felt it once; only once, with my childhood boyfriend, Sebastian. Not more, not again. Anything past that was a crush, an overwhelming emotion that took over me then, and I quickly awakened from it.
That sinister smile of mine turned momentarily into a sad one, but quickly returned to how it was.
“Let her pain like I pained, feel a little of what I felt. You speak about being alone? I had been alone all that time, I don’t think that would make much difference.”
I saw him carefully approaching me, and as he did, he replied,
“Giving her pain won’t make your pain go away. Trust me-I know. And the good news is that you’re alive. It’s a miracle. Please give Rosalind a chance to explain. Please save her, not for me, not even for her, but for yourself. You need answers and killing her will leave questions unanswered.
And as for being alone, you don’t have to be alone anymore. Your parents are alive and well even if you don’t have sisterly feelings for Rosalind. And you can have friends. I would like to be your friend. I'd like the chance to get to know you.”
I felt like crying mad tears at him then, for what he was saying. He didn’t know that what he was saying to try to comfort me was only driving me madder for her blood, angrier to make her suffer like I did. He was speaking about being happy because I was alive? And what was life worth if you were alone, if you simply had no one by your side. What was your life worth if there was nothing valuable about it? But then again, of course. She had wanted me dead, once and for all; of course she was surprised to see me alive again.
For heaven’s sake, we were only thirteen. We had only each other, yet she had that kind of heart. She had the heart to want to kill her sister and banish her from life when she was only thirteen. He speaks about parents. And where were those parents when I was suffering alone? Where was my father, my mother? Oh I was born an orphan; because the parents I came from threw me like trash, and I wasn’t going to forgive them.
I tried to control my tears, those angry cruel tears that wanted to be free. I wanted to let out all my anger on him; he had nothing to do with it but he was defending her; he was my
enemy.
I looked him and my eyebrows slowly softened. A chance. Perhaps I needed a chance.
“You mean…I still have a chance?”
What chance. It was already decided. She was dead. Dead for me, dead for you, dead for everyone as well as I was. I saw him smile, the fool. Please don’t tell me that you believed that in a glimpse of a second, because of some kind worthless words, I would simply forget all memories and sadness and try to have a ‘chance’.
“Of course. Everyone deserves a chance. You don’t have to be alone anymore. You don’t have to forget the pain but you can put it to rest. Move on and make some friends. Perhaps even find a special someone to enter your heart and to love you for who you are.”
Poor, little innocent angel. He speaks of love, and doesn’t know that I have long forgotten about love; ever since Sebastian. I may have fallen into its trap, once, with some kind guy who truly loved me or at least claimed so, but it was all being affected by that overwhelming emotion. There was no place for love in my heart, not anymore.
I slowly, carefully approached. That sinister smile was gone, and in its place a hurt, perhaps innocent one. It was pure, because I truly felt hurt. But no, that sinister me returned. That devilish self of mine was once again unleashed, and my normal small nails turned into long fatal ones, one of the traits we have as devils. And they were going quickly through his chest as I gave him my reply, “I don’t want that someone!”
I thought I was going to kill him, and for a second there I regretted it that I almost withdrew my hand; he wasn’t my target yet I was attacking him. I was killing him. I was slowly turning into a murderer. I was killing my sister, and there I was killing her husband. Is that what you have wanted, Rosaline? To be a murderer?
Suddenly, I saw something shining where I attacked him on the chest and I felt a great force pushing me backward. That was all I remember till then; I believe I lost consciousness afterward. I was left there and I never knew what hit me then, everything was blank.
I remember a vision…something that seems more like a dream; a far distant dream. I saw my own father, and there he approached me, gently touched my forehead and then…was gone. I couldn’t see how he looked at me, whether he was angry at his daughter for trying to hurt her sister, or whether he looked at me with kind, gentle eyes feeling perhaps sorry and regretting leaving me all that time.
I just knew that, for as long as I was unconscious there, I had wished for the latter. Yes, I couldn’t forgive him, nor did I want him to feel sorry for me but…I wanted some of that parental love; I wanted to try what does having a parent feel like. An actual parent, who actually cares for you, not throws you away like trash.
Ever since I returned to Lessire, and only painful memories kept coming back and back again. Ever since I stepped by his grave, Sebastian’s grave, and my childhood’s love’s grave, and I’ve felt nothing but ache and hurt.
“Here, Sebastian,” I kneeled before the grave in front of me, written on it, ‘Rest in Peace, Sebastian Huvan.’ I placed the bouquet of roses I had in my hands on his decorated beautiful grave. Apparently, his family has been taking care well of him; or so it seemed.
I sat down in front of it, and my heart felt something so strange. This was the first time since ten full years for me to be in Lessire, and Sebastian’s grave was the first place I visited. All distant memories returned: how he was killed right before my own eyes, how his funeral went on, how did my sister sacrifice me.
“Did you miss me, Sebastian?” I spoke to him. Yes it may seem mad, but I thought I could see him looking at me, “because I missed you so, you know. It’s been such a long time. Ten years, huh? You know, Sebastian, I’ve grown up a lot. I am no more that young little girl you used to mock. I am an old girl now,” I couldn’t hold my tears then. They just trickled down, and I let them do so.
“I went through much just to sit right here, with you. I’ve worked as a slave for some time, and I was the bodyguard for the devils’ princess. I-I’ve had a boyfriend, too, but that was a mistake. You know I would never, ever love after you, Sebastian,” I turned towards where his name was written, “Forgive me for that, will you? Forgive me because I declared love to someone other than you. It was a mistake, I swear to you.”
I put my hand on my chest, but I touched the unusual thing I should have used to touch by now. It reminded me.
“Not that only…but I am not living for myself now, Sebastian. I’ve got this creature living into me and…and…” the tears were slowly getting ahead of me, that much pain in my heart and hatred were revealing themselves, and the sad eyes turned into angry ones full of pain, “And it’s slowly killing me, Sebastian! My heart is dead, Sebastian, my heart is dead. Yes, I mean it. My heart doesn’t beat anymore. What keeps me alive is that thing attached to me. This ugly thing! This cruel thing! The furious creature!”
I was quickly angry and I believe that I was angrier than I thought I would be. Tears quickly flowed down, and I saw them wetting the ground before me. A pure, clean liquid. But then, just by its side, a red thick liquid. Blood.
It fell slowly, but heavily. And it all came out from my mouth, straight from my heart. My dead heart that this creature was crushing and making it liquefy and get out of my soul in this form. Blood!
I coughed it out, once, twice, thrice. Blood poured down on the ground, by his grave. And tears, too, were trickling down fast. A pain shivered quickly through my body, and I screamed,
“Oh Sebastian! Why didn’t I just die with you that night?! Why did you let me live in this world? Why did you let me live for my sister to betray? Why did you let me live for my parents to abandon? Why did you let me live for my heart to die like this, for this creature to feed on me like this!”
I quickly got angrier and madder and my hands were soon attacking my own body, attacking the creature that lived in my chest but I wasn’t hurting it; I was hurting myself alone.
“I’ll kill her, Sebastian. I’ll kill her and make her feel a little of my pain. But because I know I am not that evil, because I know I will not be happy by it, I will kill myself soon thereafter. Maybe, just a maybe, we could have another chance then in heaven to be good sisters again. And I’d be with you. I’d be with you, my love. Just let me kill her, and we will rejoin.” I was awakened from that memorial dream by a gentle touch. A familiar touch I thought I had felt before. And I slowly regained it, I slowly regained my consciousness. My vision was blurry but I began to see her. There she was, looking at me innocently as though as she had never been guilty. My sister was holding me in her arms.
“Rosaline…are you alright?”
I almost felt glad, but then I remembered. She should have been dead. I killed her. I was pretty sure I did. Unless…
I quickly jumped out of her arms, and those words came out of my mouth,
“Rosalind! I thought-I thought I killed you! How can you be alive!?”
She looked at me sadly, as though as she was expecting something else from me. But with her sad expression still, she replied,
“Alex saved me, Rosaline. He saved me because he loves me.”
And again-they use that word: love. Could they have known somehow that this word was what hurt me the most? Yet she was standing before me, acting as nothing has happened, like she did no fault to me at all. It made me boil in pain.
“So he was the one who saved you! I would have to take care of him later, Rosalind, but right now I have you to take my revenge on.”
The angry me quickly got hold, and I found myself attacking her in the same pattern I did with her husband. Except that she avoided it, saying,
“Please Rosaline, listen to me! I am sorry for what happened; I really am sorry! I really missed you, and I pained without you. Please, let us be the loving sisters we were ten years ago!”
Everything she said was only getting me madder. Everything she said only blinded me more. Everything she said just unleashed that side even more, that side even I cannot control.
“And do loving sisters kill each other!? Do loving sisters betray! You left me to suffer alone all those years while you stayed here, having all love and care for yourself! And you say, loving sisters!”
I saw her tearing up, but it didn’t move me. My heart had died long time ago, not only biologically but also emotionally. For me, she was only the target I had to kill.
“Rosaline, please; I have always loved you and I never meant to hurt you. It was a mistake what happened. You are my sister, Rosaline.”
I no longer could control myself then. My body and hands moved by their own; anger, hurt and pain controlling them. I thrust my nails onto her arm, and she screamed in pain, fell on her knees and got hold of her wound.
“Why-why did you do that…? I only want to make up things with you, Rosaline.”
“But you have seen nothing yet!” I moved once more forward to attack, but this time she avoided, yelling, “Rosaline, please listen to me!”
I looked back at her with those sinister eyes, that side I hate so much controlling me, and moving forward again, I yelled,
“Stop acting like this! I will kill you no matter what, Rosalind!”
This time, it hit on her other arm and she fell to the ground in pain, the blood slowly flowing down her arms. That blood, I was used to see it often; but my own blood. Now she needed to try a little of how it feels. And let the blood flow away, forever on.
“It’s time to kill you, once and for all, so-called sister!” I was really going to finish her off hadn’t it been for the so-called husband interfering,
“Rosaline, stop this! Don’t you see? Rosalind wants to make things up and all you want to do is kill her?”
But making up time was over. Had she come earlier, I could have forgiven. But not now, not then. Not after ten years.
My eyes burning in fire, I yelled at him, “Get off my way, or you will be killed first!”
My so-called sister slowly stood to her feet, the blood slowly flowing down her arms more and more.
“Get away, Alex. I don’t want you to be hurt.”
I was getting ready for the final, fatal attack. But then what came next was probably what awoke the little good in me, what completely broke my mirror down.
“Come on, Rosaline. Kill me.
Now.”
Had she lost her mind then? I had no idea. But I knew that somehow, she managed to stop the flow of hatred in my blood. She didn’t remove it, but she stopped it. Her tears fell to the ground as she insisted,
“Go on, kill me!”
She let go of her arms, and the blood flowed down more and more. Something fell down then, something that looked like a necklace. It was a necklace. And a locket attacked to it was opened, and it revealed that little picture I remembered immediately.
“If you want revenge, then do it. I won’t stop you. You have every right to kill me, Rosaline. Do it.”
My eyes were looking at that picture, but my heart was affected by her blood, by her tears, by that picture, by those words. I slowly came to realize what I failed to know all along. I didn’t hate her. I never did. And there when I had the chance to destroy her, to have my vengeance, I didn’t. I wasn’t a bad person. I wasn’t a murderer. I wasn’t a killer!
“I don't care if you want to kill me, because whatever you did, no matter what you thought, I'll always love you,” She said slowly and fell on her knees, her words slowly destroying my own self, “If you don’t kill me now, Rosaline, the blood I am slowly losing will. Don’t waste your chance, please.”
She got off something from around her neck, a necklace I seemed to recognize, and threw it over to her husband, as she said, “It is yours.”
“What are you doing?” He stared at her, shock washed all over his face.
“If I can't prevent Rosaline from killing me, then I let her do as she wishes.” She turned to me with that look that killed me and said, “Go on. Do it and kill me.”
“But I love you! I can’t believe you’re going to throw your life away like this. But if that’s your choice, I can’t stop you.”
Those were her husband’s words, and all this while I had been staring blankly at them, unable to understand anything. I could only hear her husband kneeling before me, begging me,
“Please...don't do this. Only you have the power to stop this. I’m
begging you.”
His words killed me the most. And without feeling, tears began to flow down. Had I become that much evil? Had I gone that mad, to kill my own sister? Have you become a murderer, Rosaline? Was that what you wanted? Was it what was going to make Sebastian feel proud of you, had he been alive?
“Please, please save her or if that’s not to be, then kill me, too. I can’t live without Rosalind at my side. Life isn’t worth living if she’s not there with me.”
He was hugging her despite all that blood around her, as she had gone unconscious at a time I suppose I hadn’t realized. But then it became all clear. This wasn’t me planning; this wasn’t me wanting to kill. I knew myself; I wasn’t a murderer. I wasn’t a killer, and a killer of who, my own sister!
“You-you can’t die. Come on, you won’t die! Wake up, wake up!”
I had rushed to her side, as I finally realized everything. But I had hoped that I had not spoiled everything. That, it was not too late.
I shall stop here, because I believe I have told my state of mind then. I had feared that perhaps, people would think of me heartless; merciless. But I knew I wasn’t, and I wanted to clarify.
She survived, and so did I. I survived but not thanks to her, not even thanks to myself. It was all thanks to that person who appeared in my life afterwards; showed me that my heart was not completely died; that there was still place for love in it. And ever since ten years, he made me fall in love again, truly, deeply and madly. And I believe I owe my life to you, my life and my death, my soul and my heart and everything I could give to you, Bryan O’Connell. And to you, Ryan O’Connell, for you two are my valuable treasures, now and forever.
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DISCLAIMER: Alexander Carnahan is not my character. It belongs to phoenixgirl, and all his dialogues were written by her.
Also, a small note. I did change a little of the dialogues said by Rosalind and Rosaline in the original scene. I hope it's okay, but I did want to explain Rosaline's character and at that time, I was a little kid so I didn't completely develop her well. xD But I didn't change anything that would affect the storyline, as you can see, but only changed the way it was said.
That's all. Thank you. ^^
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